The Boyfriend of the Week


February 7, 2000

This week's Boyfriend most likely needs no introduction. (Well, unless you're the one person on the planet who has NEVER seen "Law & Order," that is.) I can't tell you the number of emails I've received begging me to feature Benjamin Bratt. Why, if I had a nickel for everytime. . .

But you're correct, of course. Benjamin Bratt definitely meets all of the Boyfriend of the Week qualifications. What, you didn't realize there were strict qualifications? How do you think I do these things, people? "Willy-nilly?" Sheesh. Yes, there are some very serious criteria that each propective Boyfriend must meet in order to make it to the big leagues. Following is a list of the criteria. I will use both Benjamin Bratt and Leonardo DiCaprio as examples:

  • Is the Boy cute?
    Ben: check!
    Leo: eh, could take or leave the looks
  • Is the Boy intelligent?
    Ben: check!
    Leo: oh, honestly.
  • Is the Boy talented?
    Ben: check!
    Leo: okay, possibly (What's Eating Gilbert Grape was good), but so arrogant now, it's hard to say
  • Is the Boy a joy to watch on screen or stage (or book jacket)?
    Ben: check!
    Leo: god, that hair thing really annoys me
  • Is the Boy an interesting person off screen/stage/book jacket?
    Ben: check!
    Leo: loser!
  • (most important criterion:) Do I feel like writing about the Boy today?
    Ben: check!
    Leo: get real. Yawn. So there you have it. Fascinating look behind the scenes of your favorite web page.

    Now, as I know you're already aware, Benjamin Bratt left Law & Order after last season, probably to pursue a film career. The show hasn't been the same, in my opinion. I still love Lennie, but the new cop just doesn't do it for me (for reasons, see the Sam Waterston write-up). But, I don't fault Benny for wanting to move to the big screen. After all, he's been in a few movies already and has done an excellent job. Sure, they've been small roles ("Clear and Present Danger," "The River Wild," etc.) but good ones. And who wouldn't pay $7 to watch Benjamin Bratt on a gigantic screen for two hours? It seems like a pretty logical move to me, though I gotta confess the hole he left on L&O kinda stings.

    A little background on my Boyfriend: Benjamin Bratt's mother was a Quechua Indian (that's Peru, by the way), which is where he got the "dark" of his "tall, dark, and handsome." He's got three sisters and a brother and is reportedly extremely close to them. He went to college at UC Santa Barbara and got a BFA (Bach. Fine Arts, methinks). Luckily for him, he was already establishing himself as an actor and didn't need to go through the post-dumb-degree phase I went through after my undergraduate graduation. This is the phase I refer to as the "Okay, what am I supposed to do with THIS?" phase. I stumbled into librarianship (lucky fall) but Benjamin Bratt deftly strode right into acting. Such poise! Such confidence! Such a great butt!

    Whoops, that last part just kind of slid out. Sorry.

    Back to the facts: Benjamin's professional debut was at the Utah Shakespeare Festival, which is pretty cool, but even cooler is the fact that he can walk on his hands. No, like, REALLY. Walk around the room! On his hands! I haven't seen it for myself, but I did read about it after he did it on a talk show. Shoulda set that dang VCR. It's not every day you get to see a spectacle like that!

    Speaking of spectacles, I sort of feel like I ought to mention Julia Roberts at some point in this write-up. Nah, I take that back. Let's not and say we did. I'd be worried about saying the wrong thing (he's obviously crazy about her, which is very sweet) and I don't want this relationship to start off on the wrong foot (message to reader who thought all these write-ups were serious attempts at getting a boyfriend and suggested I "get a life" because "it's so sad" -- I'm not REALLY trying to date Benjamin Bratt. We're not REALLY going to have a relationship. It's not REALLY going to start on either a right or a wrong foot. I'm making this up! It's supposed to be funny!).

    Hey, it looks like Benjamin's next project is a movie called "Red Planet," which I'm assuming is about Mars (yippie!). This ought to be good, people. It's also got Val Kilmer and Tom Sizemore in it, as well as ex-Boyfriend Terrence Stamp. Weeeeeird! If you want to read more about this film, check out the official web site. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I love movies about people on other planets! Especially if they involve disaster and lots of really cute actors!

    In the meantime, if you miss Benjamin, check out the reruns of Law & Order on A&E. He always looked so good in those suits. Such a great voice, too. Sigh. And I just loved it when he called women "Ma'am." If Benjamin Bratt ma'amed you, wouldn't YOU confess too? Oh, stop it. You KNOW you wouldn't be able to resist.

    MacGyver Factor Score: 95.9%. I'm taking a few points off because I feel like I ought to. Maybe it's the Julia thing (I'm not a big fan, though she is cute). Maybe it's the whole Law & Order thing (I miss Detective Curtis! Waaaa!). Who can say? It's just how the math turned out this time around. IMDB page on Benny. (And, no, I don't know if I'm allowed to call him that.)

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