The Boyfriend of the Week

August 3, 2004

Okay, quick, show of hands now before the effect wears off -- how many of you just gasped with rapturous joy upon seeing the above photos of David Duchovny and then immediately thought to yourself, "Jeez, FINALLY!"

Yep, yep, okay, hands down. Knew it. Now, no need to ask the obvious question -- I'll tell you right now why took me so long. And those of you who know what I mean will. . . uh. . . know exactly what I mean. Because it's quite simple, really. Nine letters to be exact. These nine letters, to be exact: E-V-O-L-U-T-I-O-N.

No, no, not the whole Darwin, monkeys-into-men kind of evolution. I'm not trying to suggest that David has some kind of horrific mutation that makes him unfit for survival. Like six nipples and a tail or something. What I'm actually referring to here is one of the most atrociously bad movies of all time. If you've seen it, I'm sure you'll agree. I mean, you thought "Python" starring Wil Wheaton was bad? (I did, anyway.) Compared to "Evolution," "Python" is frickin' "Gone With the Wind." And trust me, "Python" is noooooo "Gone With the Wind."

I saw David's comedic mastermess on a flight from Hawaii to Seattle in 2001 (the flight home after my honeymoon, to be exact). It just about ruined my entire trip, it was so bad. Oh, the agony of seeing Fox Mulder reduced to such monkey poo! From the genius of "The X-Files" to THIS? So quickly? It could only mean one thing: THE END IS NEAR.

So, for all of you who have spent the last five years sending off periodic emails requesting Fox, here at long last is the honest truth about why I kept ignoring your impassioned pleas. I hope you'll forgive me. And yes, by the way, I fully intend to call David Duchovny "Fox Mulder" all throughout this write-up. Why? Is it because I really only love the character of Fox Mulder, and not the man of David Duchovny? Nope. Is it because I want to irritate him by pretending he's a character he probably is really sick of being associated with all the time? Heck no. It's actually because no matter what role, no matter what movie, David only plays the one character -- he's Fox Mulder in every single thing he does, god bless 'im. It's all Fox, all the time. (Unless you're a liberal, of course, in which case it's far more likely to be all CNN, all the time. Bwah ha ha ha!) But don't be offended, Fox -- this is precisely why I love Richard Dean Anderson so much. He's always MacGyver, even when he's actually, say, Col. Jack O'Neill. Or Nicodemus Legend in that really crappy sci-fi western from the mid-1990's.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm finally over the trauma that "Evolution" hath wrought. It look a long time, but the old feelings have returned. The love. The adoration. The respect. The ogling. The dreaming. The smooching. The panting. The. . .whooooa. . .nevermind there, Nellie!

And for this change of heart, you have Netflix and whoever it was who invented the DVD to thank. Because I've just finished working my way through seasons one and two and am halfway through season three of "The X-Files" DVD sets and I have never loved David Duchovny and Fox Mulder as much as I love them right now.

This may change, of course, as I get closer to the last couple of seasons, which I never saw because I was so worried they would suck. To be honest, I'd love to just go ahead and skip them now, too, but I'm kind of compulsive when it comes to finishing what I've started -- I hate loose ends. And thus, I will have to keep watching 8-12 episodes of "The X-Files" every week until I have seen them all. Them ALL! THEM ALLLLLLLL! Mua ha ha ha ha ha!

Thank Pete there are only 9 seasons, or else I'd probably go insane.

Anyway, "Evolution" is all but forgotten (and please, I beg of you, do not remind me) and now I'm just reveling in the hilarious goofiness that is Fox Mulder and his quest for the Truth. Clever, handsome, and just witty as hell, there is absolutely nothing NOT to love about Fox, except perhaps his slightly creepy penchant for pornography.

But hey, every man has flaws. (And that goes double for guys who work for the government, in my experience.) It's not something you should hold against them, right? Women, of course, have no flaws. We merely have "quirks," which is not the same thing. Unless you ask my husband, in which case they are. (Is it bad if your husband thinks Tony Shalhoub's character "Monk" was based on you? Answer: probably. But let's not dwell on that right now. There are dishes that need doing. And also, I need to vacuum my ceiling and disinfect my toothbrush. Again.)

Man, though, Fox Mulder. I just cannot get enough of him and his wacky show at the moment! And I've just watched, easily, 55 episodes in a time span of about 25 days! You'd think I'd be burned out on it by now, wouldn't you? You'd think the mere sound of the opening strains of the theme song would send me into an apoplectic fit. (I love the word "apoplectic," don't you? I mean, I don't think it's actually considered to be onomatopoeic, but doesn't it sound just like an apoplectic fit looks? It so does! Seriously, next time you have a apoplectic fit, do it in front of a mirror -- you'll see just what I mean.)

Anyway, the answer is NO. I am not burned out! I do not have onomatopoeic fits in front of mirrors when I hear the theme song start up. Instead, I SING the theme song, and it doesn't even have words! I sing the theme song all day long! It's in my head all the time! I blast it out in the shower, in the car! I could karaoke the X-Files theme song if I had to. I could even do a little interpretive dance along with it. Though, I think that might actually get me arrested for lunacy and dragged off to some mental health facility against my will. But hey, as long as I can still get Netflix movies in the mail, I guess that wouldn't be so bad. If I didn't have to work, think of how many episodes I could tear through in a day! And I bet "The X-Files" is even more entertaining when you're on lithium. I. Just. Bet.

"The X-Files," in my opinion, was just pure GENIUS in the early years. It's been so much darn fun rediscovering that. Every episode is so entertaining and clever and funny. And sure, the reason I ultimately gave up on it when it was still on TV (somewhere around season five, I think) was that I just got fed up with the fact the truth was always "out there" and never "in here." Nobody ever seemed to get any closer to it. The conspiracies were vast and innumerable and we never, ever seemed to get any nearer to figuring out what the heck was going on (see aforementioned distaste for loose ends). Not to mention the fact that Cigarette Smoking Man REALLY started to get on my nerves after awhile. Stinky, yellow-toothed, smirky bastard! Why didn't Skinner just punch that guy in the nose whenever he came into his office? He could've really benefited from a nice sharp kick to the shins, in my opinion. Fub.

But, I'm learning, these are just not good enough reasons to give up on the show. Plus, I gather from readers who I've mentioned this to already that in the later seasons, more stuff is finally explained. But we'll see. At the rate I'm going, I should have all 9 seasons watched by the end of September or October at the latest. Though I do have to admit to a sensation of dread regarding the Annabeth Gish and Robert Patrick season. Annabeth Gish? And Robert Patrick? But. . .they. . .Fox. . .Scully. . .but. . . just. . .what??

But enough about Fox Mulder. Let's talk about David Duchovny -- David Duchovny is, and I'll probably go to hell for saying this but c'est la vie, a GOD. He's just so cool! He's rad. Bitchin'. Awesome. Fresh! As I mentioned earlier, the thing I love most about David Duchovny is one of the same things I love about Richard Dean Anderson. Even when David/Richard isn't Fox/MacGyver, he still is, you know what I mean? The character's names and situations may change, but the attitude and mannerisms and personalities are often exactly the same. And this is such a great thing when you love a character. The actor may move on, but you never have to let go of the fictional guy you've fallen head over heels for. You can see them everywhere you look. Of course, it helps if you're delusional. Like me. But I think even the average person knows MacGyver when she sees him. Even if he IS wearing a disguise on "Stargate SG-1."

Take a look, for example, at David in the incredibly sweet romantic comedy "Return to Me." That is SO Fox Mulder in that movie! Without a doubt! Getting hurt when he loses his wife in an accident, falling in love with the woman who, he finds out, got his wife's heart in a transplant -- in other hands, it would've been Chester Cheetah cheesy. But in the hands of Minnie Driver and Fox Mulder, it gets a humor and lightness to it that rescues it from its own saturated fat and radioactively-orange glow (note to the uninformed: Chester Cheetah is the Cheetos mascot). I love that movie. It cheers me so.

The very same could be said about the thriller "Kalifornia." Well, not the part about it cheering me -- it's hardly an upbeat movie. But though David plays a guy writing a book about famous murder scenes, he's really Fox Mulder behind that tape recorder. It's just so clear. Especially when he starts doing a little detective work and discovers that the guy he agreed to give a ride to (played by Brad Pitt) is actually a psychopathic killer himself.

Great flick, despite the presence of Juliette Lewis who I admit I absolutely cannot stand. And also, the really distracting way Brad Pitt's character snorts up loogies. I could've gone through life just fine without hearing Brad Pitt (BRAD PITT!) cough up phlegm. Honest. But aside from the Juliette and snot factors, I enjoyed this thriller and have seen it a number of times over the years.

Anyway, another decent little Fox Mulder movie I saw recently was "Playing God," which I thought would be a royal stinker when I first started it, but which ended up being, well, "not that bad." Surprisingly enough. In this one, Fox plays a medical doctor (like Scully!) who loses his license when he gets hooked on drugs (unlike Scully!). When he saves the life of a guy shot in a bar one night, a criminal war lord, played by Timothy Hutton and his very bad dye job, offers him a deal. He'll pay Fox $10K for every gig if Fox will agree to become his secret crime doctor. Fox gets to practice medicine and become rich -- Timothy and his incredibly distracting hair get to avoid having to take half-dead criminal pals to the ER. The only problem -- Angelina Jolie's big, puffy, pouty lips. Snort -- as usual. Men. Honestly. I will never understand them.

Other Fox Mulder movies I've seen (though in many of these, he just had a small part and I confess I don't actually remember what that part was for all of them): "Working Girl" (Harrison Ford, yay!), "Bad Influence" (James Spader, more yay!), "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead," "Chaplin," and "Zoolander."

Fox Mulder movies I haven't seen, and, in fact, am a little afraid to see: about 17 episodes of "Red Shoe Diaries," which I gather is softcore pornography and, you know what? I just don't really want to go there. There are some aspects of the Boyfriends that I prefer to keep mysterious. Ignorance is truly bliss when it comes to what the Boyfriends look like with no pants on. In fact, that pretty much goes for men in general. And that's really all I'm going to say about that.

Ahem. Yeah. Uh.

Let's skip ahead to the bio now, shall we? Fox Mulder was born David William Duchovny on August 7, 1960. His mother was an elementary school teacher, his father (Amram Ducovny -- no h) left the family in 1971, and he's got an older brother (Daniel) and younger sister (Laurie). At the age of 13, David won a scholarship to New York's Collegiate School, an elite private boys' school. His nicknames while at school included "Duke" and "Doggie" (and is it just me, or does anybody else think David Duchovny and Joaquin Phoenix need to make a movie together so that I can crack jokes about the Doggie and Kitten film?) (By the way, while I'm on this subject, did you know that if you plunk the word "kitten" into the search box at the IMDB, it will return Joaquin Phoenix's page? Try it! It'll give you the giggles!).

David was never involved with acting in a serious way as a kid. He played the magi in a school nativity play ("After that, I wouldn't take any other parts. It was like 'I've given our Lord frankincense and you want me to be a spear carrier??'"), but never thought of it seriously as a career option. Instead, after high school he went on to Princeton, where he earned a Bachelor's degree in English Literature in 1982. His senior thesis was titled "The Schizophrenic Critique of Pure Reason in Beckett's Early Novels" with the subtitle, "I Have No Idea What the Hell I Just Said." (I made up that last part, by the way.) For his master's degree in Literature, he went to Yale. And it was there, while he was working on his Ph.D. dissertation ("Magic and Technology in Contemporary Poetry and Prose," subtitled, "I Blow Smoke Out my Arse for 87 Pages"), that David started his acting career. He fell into it by accident, and quickly realized he both loved it and excelled at it. Soon, he was going to school by day and commuting to New York to study acting by night. And when he started to land roles in off-Broadway plays, that was that, as they say, for his dissertation, which remains unfinished to this day. Thanks be to Pete.

Incidentally, anybody surprised to hear Dave is a lit geek hasn't been paying attention to his career. He's a tremendous writer, penning about nine episodes of "The X-Files," including two of my favorites "The Unnatural," a hilarious and remarkably affectionate episode about baseball, and "Hollywood AD," in which an X-File becomes the plot of a movie and Fox and Dana find themselves slightly distorted on the big screen. He also wrote the season finales for seasons 2 and 3.

Though Fox has been in a couple of movies recently that I still haven't seen ("Full Frontal," "Connie and Carla" (which comes out on DVD soon and is already in my queue at Netflix), and "The House of D" (written and directed by Davey himself)), the movie I'm looking forward to the most is, duh da da DUH, "The X-Files 2." The title makes it sound like it's going to be a sequel to the original X-Files movie, but here's hoping they've come up with a better story for this one (because the original, while entertaining, is also no "Gone With the Wind"). Dave will also be playing famous crime writer James Ellroy in a movie called "My Dark Places" due out this year. It's the true story about Ellroy's dark obsession with his mother's murder. And who better to play an intense, literary, investigative-type writer than David Duchovny? Okay, maybe Clive Owen. But I'm not-so-secretly hoping Clive will be too busy being the next James Bond. And besides, I take that back anyway. Fox Mulder is going to be absolutely perfect for this role. You heard it here first.

And, if none of these movies are enough to convince you of David's talent, smarts, and slightly dorky good looks, keep in mind that you can now get all nine seasons of the X-Files on DVD. And believe me, it's well worth the time and effort to wade through them. I'm hip deep and sinking fast, and still having the time of my life.

MacGyver Factor Score: 97.13572345%. Points off because while Fox Mulder is delightfully single, David Duchovny has been happily married (and thus unattainable) to Tea Leoni since 1997 (two kids). Normally, a happy Hollywood marriage isn't a reason to deduct points from a Boyfriend. I like to see them fall in love and stay that way. But, I have to confess, David Duchovny is one of the few Boyfriends I actually really WOULD like to hang out with in real life. I think he'd be a blast to know. Not to mention to smooch. Nudge, wink.

Boyfriend-Related Links
Tiscali Biography on David Duchovny

Dave's IMDB Page
Kiss David Duchovny!!
Red Wolf's X-Files Episode Guide

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