The Boyfriend of the Week

October 29, 2001

This week's Boyfriend is someone I've only known for about 3 weeks. (I'm nothing if not impulsive, huh?) This time, though, it's not because I have somehow managed to miss every movie he's ever been in. It's because, until about 4 weeks ago, NOBODY knew who Ethan Zohn was -- except for his own personal friends and family, who, as much as I hate to say this, don't really count (I don't mean that quite as negatively as it sounds, though, honest!).

Howzat? you say. It's because up until four weeks ago, Ethan was just a regular guy, wandering through his relatively anonymous life, doing things regular people do. Four weeks ago, though, things changed -- this season's round of "Survivor" aired on CBS, and with it, Ethan Zohn came traipsing into my field of view. Lugging containers of water and complaining about teammates who eat extra cherries. And of all the players in this round, Ethan is actually the only one that has caught my eye. I couldn't even tell you the names of any of the others.

Now, if you are a regular reader, you know I love Survivor. I never miss an episode and watch each hour with absolute glee. When I first heard about the show, I tried to be one of those cool people who had nothing but disdain for it. I tried not to watch it and to scoff anybody who did. But it didn't last long. I had to at least see PART of an episode before I could really spit on it, right (don't ban a book you haven't read, e.g.)? And as soon as I started watching, I was hooked.

So, now I'm one of those cool people who tunes in every week and then gets together with co-workers Friday morning to gossip about the previous night's episode. And instead of scoffing at people like me, I scoff at people who scoff at people like me. You guys just don't know what you're missing. And stop being so damn cranky, wouldja? (My lord, Survivor haters sure are a miserable bunch -- have you noticed?)

Anyway, only three episodes have aired at the time I'm writing this -- and by the time his week is up, Ethan may actually be voted off (heaven forbid!). Not that something like that would keep me from running him as a Boyfriend -- I don't mind taking a few risks here and there -- but it would definitely give me something interesting to say in the future (with indignation, I might add -- they better NOT vote my Boy off!). So far, we don't know much about him, actually. Mostly what we know is this: he seems like a nice and fair person. And holy frijoles, is that Boy cute.

In fact, I'll just confess this right now to get it off my chest -- the entire reason why I'm making Ethan a Boyfriend this week is because he is the best piece of eye-candy to cross my path since I got married. Sure, Owen Wilson ain't bad. But lordie, Ethan Zohn makes me break out in a cold sweat. Part of that is just his type -- he's one of those dark, curly-haired types and I have a definite weakness for guys like that (for proof, just look at the man I married). But the other part is definitely those eyes, that smile, that voice, those hands, and those soccer-ball-kickin' calves. Oh yes, that man has the nicest calves I've seen in QUITE some time.

And, as I sort of alluded to up there, he's a soccer player, which is very, very cool. I used to play soccer when I was a kid, actually (didn't everybody?), but I was terrible at it. Too nice. And also too chicken. When my coach made me play goalie one time, I cried every time the ball came near me. Though can you blame me? Our real goalie was missing the game because she'd had two of her teeth kicked out the weekend before! Still, it's not a sport for weanies and I respect that. My brother, king of the slide tackle, probably went to the ER thirty times in his years as a high school soccer player. That's just not the kind of sport for me to participate in. Or, as my brother once replied to a friend of his who inquired about me, "She's not a soccer player. She's a piano player."

Well, and a softball player. It's very hard to get injured in slow-pitch.

Anyway, in case the above information isn't enough to truly get you interested, I do have a few additional facts about Ethan for you (though, honestly, just LOOK at him -- do you really give a hoot about his background, likes, or dislikes? Wouldn't you rather spend this time snuggling with him instead?). All right, all right, here you go: he's 27 years old and single (hey, four weeks ago, I could've said, "me too!" here, but I guess that's water under the bridge at this point, no?). He's from Lexington, Massachusetts (which might mean he's a Red Sox fan, which is cool) and he currently lives in New York City (which might mean he's a Yankees fan, which is decidedly UNcool). He's played soccer (as the goalie, no less -- such bravery!) for the Highlanders Football Club in Zimbabwe, the Cape Cod Crusaders in Massachusetts, and the Hawaii Tsunami in Oahu, Hawai'i (uncanny! I was just in Oahu, myself!). He also played for the 1997 and 2001 U.S. National Maccabiah Team in Israel, which is pretty darn cool. Off the field, he's coached for the Fairleigh Dickinson University Men's and Women's Soccer Team in New Jersey since 1998. And he's also done a little freelance work as a "brand name strategist/developer," which means someone plunks a new product in front of him, and he comes up with a name for it.

Man, what a great job! I'd be so good at that! We could work as a team! A husband and wife team of brand name strategist/developers! We'd be invincible! And on our off days, he could coach soccer and I could be the ultimate soccer mom (cutting up dozens of oranges into wedges for half-time, making huge containers of Gatorade, etc.). Clearly, Ethan and I were made for each other. CLEARLY.

What else? Let's see. Oh, it just keeps getting better and better. Ethan went to Vassar College after high school, where he graduated in 1996 with a BA in Biology (I ALMOST graduated with a BA in Biochemistry, which is close). Then he traveled for six months in Australia and New Zealand, where he did a bunch of bungee jumping (okay, points off for the bungee jumping). In his spare time, he likes scuba diving (hey, I like snorkeling, which is pretty close), photography (me too!), running (well, okay, maybe not) and cooking (okay, forget it). (Just kidding, I actually enjoy cooking very much. I just never do it.)

His birthday is November 12th, by the way. So, get those romantic b-day cards ready, ladies.

Now, for fun, here is a list of Ethan's favorite things, taken from the Survivor official web site (see link below). For fun, I'll also tell you what MY favorite things in each category are -- this way, you can be the judge yourself as to whether or not Ethan and I were truly made for each other. AND you can learn a little something about me -- stuff I'm sure you were just DYING to know, such as my:

Favorite Color: Blue for Ethan, Blue for me!
Scents: (none listed for Ethan), vanilla for me (it's almost a non-scent, so I think that's a close match, don't you? It's a very subtle scent. Almost not there at all. Almost just the smell of being very, very clean. Like I am at the moment and like Ethan most certainly is not (no baths on Survivor!)
Flowers: Daisy for Ethan, Gardenia for me (both white!)
Board Games: Boggle for Ethan (and also Backgammon and Pictionary) and Scrabble for me -- both word games!
Computer Games: Pitfall and Tekken III for Ethan ("oh jeez, he's a computer game geek? cripes," for me)
Sports: Soccer (duh) for Ethan, Baseball for me. Both involve small-ish round objects, so we're still close here.
TV Shows: Seinfeld, Blind Date, Jackass, and Freaks & Geeks for Ethan. And just the fact he's even WATCHED "Blind Date" just cost him two MacGyver Points, for me.
Movies: Oh forget it, I'm going to have to stop right here. His list has just totally smashed all hope I ever had of being compatible with him.

And looking down the rest of the list, I see it's only going to get worse. Favorite music: "Trip Hop" (what the hell is that?). Favorite actress: Penelope Cruz (gaaaaaah!). Favorite candy bar! RAISINETTES!! That's it, the wedding's OFF!

Okay, okay, stop that all right here. I should never NEVER look at those "favorites" lists. They always depress me. And besides, what's my real goal (pardon the pun, ha ha) here anyway? To woo his mind or to run my fingers through that curly brown hair? Right. You got it. I don't need to know what his favorite book is (I didn't read down that far and I BEG you not to tell me). I don't need to know if he drinks wine coolers (yeech!) or reads "USA Today." All I need to know is what I already know: he's cute. And, did I mention he's cute? And he's cute cute cute. Which is all that matters. I'll do an intellectual match NEXT week. Really. I swear.

MacGyver Factor Score: 92.345%. Points off for even uttering the WORDS, "Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips" (YUCK!). Points back for having the greatest head of hair ever to wander onto the set of a CBS television show. Let's just keep focusing on those curls, folks. It'll help numb the "My Favorite Movie is 'Field of Dreams'" pain.

Boyfriend-Related Links

The Survivor 3 CBS Web Site
Vassar's page on Ethan

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