The Boyfriend of the Week

April 3, 1999

This week's Boyfriend isn't a superhero. I hope that's not a big let-down after last week's, but, really, how many superheroes are THAT cute anyway? Peter Parker? I think not.

However, if it's any consolation, this week's Boy is FRENCH. Yup, Jean Reno is French. Except, GOTCHA! He's NOT French! I thought he was until last week when my boss looked him up for me on the Internet and broke the news. In fact, not only is Jean Reno NOT French, he's not even named Jean Reno! It's all a big European conspiracy! His real name is Juan Moreno, which is about as un-French as you can get. And he's originally from Casablanca, Morocco! Go figure.

However, let's pretend for now that Jean is named Jean and that he's French. It makes the rest of what I was about to say a lot more relevant. For example, doncha just love the French? No? Well, you're not the only one I know who feels that way. But, and this is said despite the fact I've never actually BEEN to France, I love those froggies! They have some of the coolest habits - like eating cheese all the time without ever once saying "man, this cheese is going to go straight to my hips!" What a great philosophy! It's true they have a lot of other habits, like not bathing very often, that sort of assault the senses, but on the whole, I gotta say they sound like a lot of fun to be around. Pass the brie, Pierre! My capri pants have been a little baggy lately and I gotta get some meat on these thighs!

I took a year of French in college, by the way. So if I ever run into Jean I'll have something to say. Unfortunately, the only French I actually remember isn't the kind of thing that would come in handy. It's things like "J'adore tes genoux" and a little poem my ex-boyfriend wrote that went like this:

La vie!
La guerre!
Les pommes de terre!

They're kind of the things that I whip out at cocktail parties full of non-French-speaking friends to sound impressively multi-cultural. But telling Jean that "I adore your knees" and then reciting a poem that goes: "Life! War! Potatoes!" probably wouldn't get me much except for a look of extreme confusion and maybe a little fear. As in, "who is this wacko American girl telling me I have nice knees and that potatoes are something to exclaim about?" Not to mention the fact my French class Professor was actually from Spain and so my accent would come out as a mixture of Eastern American, Spanish, French, and a little bit of the deep South thrown in on top. Sort of akin to saying in Seattle that I'd like a grinder and a coffee cabinet, and if I could get that real soon, I'd sure be glad about it, y'all.


Alas, I digress. Let's get back to talking about Jean. I first fell for him when I saw his movie The Professional. An adorable professional hit-man? Come again? But it's true! He's so cute and there's actually something kind of sexy about men with big guns. I mean, as long as they're not from Montana. Recently, I saw another Jean Reno movie that I liked a lot -- Ronin. In this one, he's a bad guy too, but only sort-of. In fact, that's a trend I've noticed. Jean always plays bad guys who aren't really all that bad. Like, sure, they shoot people and stuff, but they're also very loyal and deep down, you can tell they really really care. Okay, that might be taking it a little far. But still, he's got the kind of eyes that make you trust him. And as long as you're on his side, you have very little to fear.

I have intentionally NOT looked up a lot of personal information about Jean because I don't want to find a whole bunch of other things he's not being fully honest about. Like, that he was once a woman, etc. I mean, if he can go from being a Moraccan named Juan to a Frenchie named Jean, who knows what else is going on there? Not me, and that's just how I'd like to keep it. So, if you know the secrets, please keep them to yourself. You know that old saying "ignorance is bliss"? Mais, oui! I love Jean Reno. He's cute and sweet and sort of nice. And he's big and scruffy and he speaks French. He's the perfect date for me and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ELSE. Okay? Comprendez-vous? Bien!

Le Factor de MacGyver: 95.6. Points off for the European conspiracy thing. Be true to yourself, Jean! Just don't be true to, like, ME! J'ai fait mon choix et mon choix es toi!

The IMDB page on Jean Reno.

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