The Boyfriend of the Week

March 8, 1999

Let me begin this week's write-up with a clarification: the plural of "faux pas" is "faux pas." I now know this with NO thanks to you guys, some of whom sent me pluralized versions that were OBVIOUSLY all made up (like I'm going to believe "fauxes pas" (pronounced "fozes pa") -- sheesh!). However, this is neither here nor there and it's certainly NOT why you're reading this. I just thought I'd try to educate you heathens some. Jeez!

Okay, now, about two weekends ago, I sort of accidentally had a Sean Astin movie marathon in my living room. First, his movie Toy Soldiers came on television. Then I was in the mood for some younger Sean action and popped in my copy of The Goonies. THEN I remembered it had been awhile since I'd seen Rudy so I went out and rented it.

And the next thing I knew, I was thinking it was about time to throw that boy up on my web page. So here we are! Sean Astin is one of those child actors who actually didn't get better looking as he got older. I think his face kind of filled out too much and he lost some charm when his voice changed. However, did you see that stomach up there? With a stomach like that around, you tend not to notice other less-desirable features. In fact, you tend not to notice other features at all. Which means it's a damn good thing stomachs like that can't be found on every street corner in America -- I'd probably end up getting hit by a lot of cars that way.

However, one cannot live on stomachs alone. (Ew!) So let's start by going back to Sean's younger days, and I will walk you through all the reasons why you too should love Gomez Addams' son Sean. First, The Goonies . The Goonies is one of my all-time most favorite movies. I can quote you endless streams of the dialogue and can give you an exact scene play-by-play; I've seen it dozens and dozens of times. I've even read the book based on the movie! (Now THAT'S dedication!) Sean was such an incredible cutie in that film -- his little braces, his little body, and how sweet and shy and naive he was about getting kissed. *Sigh* It is SO too bad they have to grow up, isn't it?


Now, the first grown-up Sean movie I ever saw was the aforementioned Toy Soldiers in which Sean plays a prep school bad boy who ends up saving the day when his school is taken over by terrorists. Seanie's got a pretty bad attitude the whole time and he's exactly the kind of kid you'd want to ground a lot if you were his mother, but he's still pretty cute. I mean, he's in what I call "the ugly years" age-wise -- his face is sort of too full, like he's been taking steroids for some strange disease, and his voice has lost all its squeeky charm. But once you get beyond that, you start to notice other things. Like his biceps. And even better, his brains. You can get away with a LOT around me if you've got brains to go with your brawn, you know. So what if he went around sneaking vodka into bottles of mouthwash and calling up porno lines on the phone? At least he saved the entire school from a band of terrorists! Let's cut the guy a little slack!

Anyway, after that, I don't remember seeing him around much for a few years. Until Rudy came along and totally made my whole day. Have you seen it? I put it off for a long time because I knew it was about football and I have a hard time getting excited about football movies. But eventually there came a day when inspiration failed to strike me at the video store and I ended up taking it home for lack of anything better. Boy, was I surprised! It's fantastic! Inspirational! Tear-jerking! And Sean Astin seemed to have gotten through his awkward ugly-years and blossomed into a rather fine-looking young man. With all the sweetness of his younger days restored. Aw shucks, it makes me get all weepy just thinkin' about it. He even plays an underdog and you guys KNOW how I feel about underdogs. . .

So, it is with great pleasure that I announce Sean Astin as this week's Boyfriend. Not only a talented actor from the time he was just a cute pre-teen to present, but also a fine looking boy with a stomach that can make you forget just about anything. Including the important stuff. Go, now, fine readers. Rent Rudy. Rent The Goonies. Do not rent Toy Soldiers. Eat, drink, do sit-ups. Maybe we'll never score a date with Sean Astin in real life, but at least we can all work towards getting our own traffic-stopping stomachs.

MacGyver Factor Score: 88%. Points off for being named "Sean." I hate the name Sean. In fact, I hate ALL names with silent h's and extra e's. Why not spell things the way they sound? You're just going to confuse all the kids who learned to read using Hooked on Phonics! Now, I know it's hardly his own fault his name is so strange (after all, do we blame Sade (pronounced "Sha-day") for HER name?) and so maybe it's unfair to come down on him for it, but hey, he's an adult AND he's famous. He could change that name if he wanted to.

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