The Boyfriend of the Week

March 15, 1999

Sorry this is late, everyone. Jeez, the pressure some of you put on me when things get a little slowed down! Patience, people! Patience! I was out of town all weekend visiting my folks and spending as much money as I could afford to while in beautiful downtown tax-free Oregon. Then last night I was too busy putting together some of my new furniture and swearing a lot (damn screws NEVER fit in the holes!) to put up the newest Boy. But it's Monday now and I've got nothing better to do, so here I am.

This week's Boyfriend is, well, I dunno who he is. He's That Model from the Banana Republic Catalog! I've wanted to put him up for a long time now (I've been hoarding photos of him and showing them to my sister who agrees he's hunky enough to make the grade despite the fact he could be a racist, a serial killer, or (gasp!) a Republican, for all we know). My parents just got a scanner, though, and Mom scanned one of his pictures for me and so, TA DA! Boyfriend of the Week!

Instead of just writing "This week's Boyfriend is That Model Guy. He's cute. MFS. 92%. The End," I've decided to make him my dream Boyfriend and make up everything you need to know about him. First and foremost, let's give the boy a name. How about "Jack"? I've always liked "J" names (Jim, Josh, John, Joe, etc.). Next, a career. Let's make him a secret agent. Secret Agent Jack.

Of course, now he'll need a theme song,the obvious choice being that secret agent song by Nancy Sinatra ("He's the last of the secret agents, and he's my man!"). He'll also need a pocket knife and maybe a roll of duct tape, just in case. You should know that aside from his sneaky skills, my Boyfriend Jack is also an excellent cook, he loves his mother, and he never leaves his dirty socks around for me to pick up later. He speaks Russian, Latin, and, duh, English, AND he's a whiz at crossword puzzles. He reads Faulkner, has been known to recite the odd passage from Shakespeare, and watches the movie "Jaws" every time it comes on TNT (approximately once daily).

Lessie, what else? Oh, in the photograph above, he is tucking a tiny piece of paper with my name and phone number into his jacket pocket.

Go, Jack!

Actually, other little known facts about Jack are that when he's not working as a secret agent, he enjoys playing the trumpet and Scrabble (but never at the same time), and he likes to watch "Due South" in the evenings to unwind. He NEVER says "hey, that Francesca sure is a babe!" but always nods in agreement when someone mentions that Fraser sure looks good in red. I'm sure I lost some of you there, but just skip it and keep going. Jack also likes to take walks with his girlfriend (me) and is never late returning library books.

But, what's a Boyfriend without a flaw or two? I mean, if your Boyfriend is perfect, that eventually starts making YOU look bad, you know what I mean? So, let's say Jack has a terrible habit. Like, he buys me too many presents. Oh Jack! Another one! You shouldn't have!

Just kidding.

Isn't he the greatest? It's too bad he's a secret agent and not a Mountie, though. I mean, a girl can't have too many Mounties in her life, really. And for that, he'll have to lose a few points. So, let's give Jack a MacGyver Factor Score of 94%, with the caveat that if he loses that slip of paper with my phone number (OR puts it through the wash with the jacket), I get to take ten more points off. Better watch it, Jack! For those of you who don't think it's fair to make up stuff about a person you don't know, just remember that line from that Tom Waits song (Temptation): "Everything is made from dreams."

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