The Boyfriend of the Week

June 2, 2002

It's been a long time since I featured a puppet as a Boyfriend (and for those of you who would argue that if I can feature a puppet, I can feature cartoon characters, the problem with your logic lies in the difficulty of smooching something that is 2-D. Well, that is, you can kiss a 2-D fella all you like. But don't expect anything in the way of a return gesture. At least puppets can do cheek pecks.). Anyway, though we all loved Sock Puppet for his sweet face and sense of humor, you just couldn't do better than having a Jedi Master for a Boyfriend. And that's why, this week, I've decided to spend the next seven days dreaming about Yoda.

My first encounter with Yoda came when I was very very young. So young, in fact, that when Yoda first opened his mouth in "Empire Strikes Back," I immediately exclaimed loudly to the entire theater, "That guy sounds like GROVER!" Now, of course, this was way back in the days before I realized how incredibly annoying it is when people talk while in movie theaters (though, I'm sure the majority of my fellow film-goers at that time thought I was really cute instead of irritating). But I was young and foolish then, and though I may be no less foolish now that I'm older, at least I've read my Miss Manners.

That said, let's get back to our little green Boyfriend. I thought Yoda was the best thing about "Empire" back then (now I think the best part is the sexual tension between Han Solo and Princess Leia, of course -- long live kissing scenes!). And while I had my Yoda action figure and occasionally toyed with the idea of buying a Yoda poster, I never really fell madly in love with the little guy. Not really. I mean, I ultimately married a guy who does the best impersonation of Yoda I've ever heard (it's even better than his Elmer Fudd impersonation, though that's a close second), and I suppose you could argue that that was a subconscious thing. But it's not like Yoda's been inhabiting my dreamworld much.

This all changed about two weeks ago when I finally got around to heading out to the local theater for a screening of "Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones." And while I'm sorry to say that Hayden Christianson did absolutely nothing for me (well, okay, he DID make me giggle a lot, especially when he was doing his own numerous and hilarious impersonations of "Mr. Furious" from the movie "Mystery Men"), I am now madly, wildly, crazily in love with Jedi Master Yoda. I almost stood up and cheered towards the end of the movie when he hobbled into that room on his little cane, then tossed it aside and kicked that bad guy's ass. I mean, was that not the coolest thing ever? You GO, little green Boyfriend!

Even better, Yoda is not only the kind of superhero who kicks butt, but he's also extremely wise, has a wicked sense of humor (remember the tricks he played on Luke in "Empire"?), is a snappy dresser (well, okay, maybe not), and is, in my opinion, one of the premier philosophers of our time. Well, okay, so it might be hard to argue that he's even alive in our time (for one, he's fictitious, for two, the movies are clearly set in the future. Well, okay, except there's that "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" thing. Hmmm. Well, I'm sure George Lucas was just kidding about that part. Really.). Anyway, I have a feeling if we start to analyze this too much, our brains will start to hurt.

And then, of course, there's the very best thing about Yoda: he NEVER dangles a participle.

If you want to know a little bit about Yoda's history, probably the best thing for you to do is to hit a search engine, type in "Yoda," and hit the submit button. Because I alone found about a dozen different accounts of his past on the web and pretty much none of them were the same. We know, of course, that he is one of the strongest Jedi Masters ever and that he was on the Jedi Council when Anakin Skywalker was accepted into the Jedi Apprenticeship program. Years later, Yoda was forced to move to the swampy planet Dagobah in order to hide from Palpatine and protect the identities of Anakin's children, Luke and Leia. Most of the other Jedi Knights in the world were purged from the galaxy by Palpatine, but Yoda was able to use the Force and the natural defenses of Dagobah to discourage visitors and hide from the Emperor. Luke eventually ended up on Dagobah, where Yoda began his Jedi training, using a combination of endurance tests, balance tricks, lightsaber duels, and meditation. But by this time, Yoda was already over 900 years old. The following year, Luke returned to Dagobah and found that Yoda was dying. His last words were to warn Luke about the pull of the Dark Side, and to reveal that there was another Skywalker. And then that was it.

Now, quick, before you ask how it is I can feature a Boyfriend who is dead, let's keep in mind the fact that the movies are set in the future (again, in my opinion, George Lucas got this part all wrong -- my delusions are my friends). In fact, I believe the story is set about 800 years up the road, which means Yoda is about my age right now. And, aw, shucks, I bet he's SO CUTE at 28! Though I do have to confess that I think his wrinkles are quite distinguished.

Anyway, as Yoda himself would say, "analyze this too heavily, you should not." It will only confuse you if you start trying to think about Yoda's place in the space-time continuum. The main thing I wanted to say this week is that he's the coolest Jedi Master ever to wield a light saber in the universe. And I love him. Brave, wise, talented, strong-willed, kind, and cute as the dickens. Yoda, you're the best. And if you're ever zooming through the Milky Way, be sure to stop by my part of the galaxy and say hello.

MacGyver Factor Score: 94.325%. Points off because he's SO damn SHORT! But points back because he can levitate, which kind of makes up for it.

Boyfriend-Related Links

Yoda Town
The Official Star Wars Site
Yoda's Hut

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