Shutterstock.com (that's all I got! the man's a mystery!)
The Boyfriend of the Week
Meg "Cialis Ad" Wood
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NOTE: If the embedded video clips aren't working, try right-clicking on them (Firefox) and selecting "View video" to open in Media Player. Or use the "[link]" beneath each to view in a separate window. I know it's a pain in the butt, believe me. But it'll be worth your time, I swear -- they're hilarious!
October 1, 2014 [comment on this write-up]
Recently (for work) I've been exploring the world of online stock video which, for me, was an entirely new world of many intriguing things, most of which, I began to notice, looked like every ad for erectile dysfunction I've ever seen. (So that's how they do it!)
While digging around on Shutterstock.com for videos of people who looked sort of like stoners (for a training module on medicinal cannabis I've been developing), a particular stock footage actor started showing up over and over. It wasn't long before I was completely in love. (Oh, you be quiet. I've been really stressed out lately; I'm vulnerable.)
I have no idea what this guy's name is, and for the most part, I'm not interested in finding out (though, good sir, if you happen upon this and you want to introduce yourself, I'd love to post a message from you as part of this write-up!). Long-time readers may be reminded, in that way, of one of my oldest Boyfriends, Secret Agent Jack, catalog model cum international man of mystery. (I was just rereading that old write-up, by the way, and was struck by the fact I'd had to scan photos of him for it -- that was back in the day when it was really hard to find stuff like that on the Internet. Remember those days? Youth of the Modern Era: did you know there used to be an Internet with, like, NO STUFF on it? I know! Hard to picture, ain't it?)
This is even better than Secret Agent Jack, though, because after watching hours of footage of Shutterstock Guy, who will henceforth be known as "Martin" (pronounced "Marteen") because he looks like a "Marteen" to me, I felt as though I'd really come to know him. I know what he likes, I know what he dislikes. I know he has a desktop computer, a laptop computer, a tablet, and multiple smartphones in a variety of models (dang, technophile!). I know he cooks, he likes the beach, and he drinks a LOT of tea and coffee.
Here's the first video of Martin I happened upon, while doing a search for "lazy guy on couch."
It's definitely the perfect clip if my goal was to find sample footage of a stereotypical stoner, right? EXCEPT, you see, you can totally tell from looking at Martin here that no, sir, this man is no waster of brain cells. He's merely had a very long, very hard day at work, and he's about to relax with some of the TV shows I've recommended in my Fall TV Preview blog series. He's a huge fan of Senceless [sic] Pie, obviously. Never comments on the posts, you may have noticed, but it's only because he wants to make sure he has lots of clever remarks to make on our first date. Tsk, sweetness.
After looking through a succession of videos starring the extraordinarily scruffy, delightfully-slightly-balding Martin, I began to notice we had a striking amount of things in common. A few examples:
We both like coffee. Sometimes, in fact, usually when we're very sad, we like to drink it while looking wistfully out a window.
Speaking of coffee, we also share a love of REALLY LARGE CUPS of it, because when it comes to caffeine, we ain't frakkin' around.
Even better, Martin and I both like the beach. In fact, we like the beach so much it makes us extremely, outrageously happy to be there, even if we're still dressed in our work clothes and our socks are filling with sand. Watch this:
HOLY ZOMG, guys! SCIENCE! Look at us, both loving SCIENCE! Martin is especially a fan of working with water that has been dyed a variety of different hues and then combining those hues to make new ones. Here he is, for example, inventing the color BROWN. (I love the color brown, Martin!)
Naturally, we both like music, though, admittedly, I'm a lot less cheese-o-rama about it in public. (How cute is this dweeb, by the way?)
We both type WICKED fast. Check it out:
On the opposite side of the speed spectrum, we both sneeze very, very slowly.
Crazy coincidence: Martin and I both like men who can cook! (At least, I assume that since he cooks, he likes men who cook. Unless this is some kind of weird self-loathing thing, in which case, we'll have to talk that out. I get it, darlin'. I've been there. We'll sort it out together.)
In another crazy coincidence, we both greatly enjoy. . . WHOA. Hold on a second there, mister! WHO IS THAT AND WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING WITH HER? (Cialis ad alert, by the way!)
Oh. Oh, really? Really. You're just going to snuggle up with that tramp right in front of me? You know she doesn't actually love you, right? That she's only with you because you have a hammock? (Ding, ding, Cialis!)
Oh ho, yeah. See this? I don't want to say "I told you so," but I did, in fact, tell you exactly so. (Ciiiiiialis!!)
Uh huh. And now she's standing you up at the wine bar. THE WINE BAR, MARTIN! Ugh, honestly. You're better than this. You deserve better. Much better. You deserve, in point of fact, ME.
Because, aw, see this one? Here's Martin reading one of my emails to him, filled to the texty brim with tender sweet nothings. (Note: I'd share the contents of that message with you guys, dear readers, except, as you can tell from the part of the clip where his eyes widen slightly, it's a little NSFW.) Look how happy I make him!
I forgive you your dalliance, babe. It was brief, I understand, we've all been tempted. I'm just glad you came back. You're back, we're good, let's move on.
Now, you may be thinking to yourselves, "Meg, what makes you thnk you stand a chance with a stock video superstar like Martin? He's WAY outta your league!" You're wrong, though. In fact, one of the reasons I was so drawn to Martin in the first place is the fact he seems very relatable. He may be a stock video superstar, in other words, but he's a stock video superstar who's just like us.
Watch enough video and you'll see him doing all the same kinds of things we non-Shutterstock-celebs do every single day. You can find footage of Martin: waking up (big stretch, ahhhh), dresssing in snazzy sweaters (even snazzier than Cosby's!), riding the bus (shame train), looking longingly out windows while stuck in the office all day, resting his head on his desk when work becomes overwhelming (dude, I feel you), and then coming home to relax in front of the tube.
Additionally, Martin really likes to eat, which is especially nice because, as demonstrated earlier, he also likes to cook. In fact, come to think of it, he eats rather a lot. Frankly, it's amazing he stays so trim because there are a bazillion videos of him eating and exactly zero videos of him working out at the gym. For example:
Wait. Hold on a second. I'm starting to notice a trend. Yes, yes, there's a trend here. Check this out:
Uh, Martin? Put down the phone. Seriously. Put it down. There is nothing I find more annoying than people who can't put their phones down long enough to eat a meal. Just put it down. Put down the phone. Put it down. You can do it. Facebook will wait.
Dude. I'm not kidding. You're not that important. I know you THINK you're that important, Martin. I know you THINK if you don't stay online 24/7 Twitter will die from boredom, your Instagram followers will abandon you, and you'll miss a text about your next big stock footage audition, single-handedly taking down the world of erectile dysfunction television advertising. However: you are wrong. Exactly none of those things will happen. Nary a one!
Oh my god, seriously? If you can't put the phone down for five minutes to eat breakfast, this is never going to work. I mean, honestly, people, this is what's wrong with America today! Nobody communicates face-to-face anymore, not even when they're sitting across a breakfast table from their stock-video-superstar-loving girlfriends! It's just smartphone this, and tablet that; it never ends!
Oh my god, I bet you're a Snapchat user too, Martin! Holy crap! You are, aren't you?!
Dude, we are so through.
Shutterstock.com (that's all I got! the man's a mystery!)
All web content written by Meg Wood, sooooper genius.
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